Pooping… Is hilarious. Let’s be honest. You don’t have to be stupid to laugh at poop jokes, but you have to be stupid not to.
But did you know that you can also make deep, spiritual connections with people through the defecation process? Only the most enlightened individuals among us know the depth of this connection. Even fewer can create such a connection under the slightest provocation. My son is one of those creatures. He knows the ways, and he is willing to mentor through example.
One thing I love about babies like my son is that they have no shame. He is unapologetically himself, and there’s no way as a parent that I can embarrass him into acting with any measure of decency. It doesn’t matter if we’re watching television, eating dinner, at the mall, or saying our evening prayers, if that kid’s gotta squeeze one out, then that’s exactly what will happen with absolutely no delay. He also doesn’t care about my own feelings of the reflective and solitary nature of my morning poops. He wants to stand next to me and look me in the eyes the whole time.
My son is also a grunter… The natural muscular processes are not of the timely nature that my son overwhelmingly prefers in regards to the velocity of his dumps. So he helps the process out through his grit and gumption. See video below for a beautiful example:
Also note his boogers, and the shockingly cleanly (ha!) nature of his eating habits
So let me tell you a story about my little bundle of joy… As you guessed, it involves poop. You may have also guessed that the event happened in a setting that led to high levels of embarrassment for his daddy… That setting being none other than church. In our congregation, there is a portion where the men and the women split up and meet separately. This is more or less so that the women can get away from the men to ride spiritual high notes while we scroll through our phones and pretend to pay attention. Most Sundays, I volunteer to take our little guy so my wife can pay attention… Not at all because sometimes my son is too unruly for class and thus we get to roam the halls together. I’m way too saintly for such worldly actions.
It’s the beginning of the meeting. Everybody is talking until someone stands up to begin announcements. The room quiets down. Just then, my son decides it’s time for some mischief. I was caught up in a conversation with one of my buddies. I turn around as the room quiets, realizing my son is out of sight… Unfortunately with him, out of sight is not out of mind.
I finally find him, standing in front of the bishop, hands on his knees. He is making intense, unrequited eye contact with him. And I’m talking leaning forward, brows furrowed, lips pursed, face ablaze kind of eye contact. The kind of eye contact that leaves you feeling deeply uncomfortable and perhaps slightly violated. Our bishop is caught, half-smile on his face, unable to look away from our little monster. Then the grunting starts.
And I’m talking loud grunts. Inescapable grunts. Primal grunts. His face turns red as a beet, pulsing darker with each forceful shove of his bowels. Everybody in the room, myself included, is transfixed on the spectacle before them. It seemed to me to go on forever. Other than my son’s primitive groaning, there is no sound to be heard. Finally, eventually, it ended just as suddenly as it had began. You could feel as much as hear the rush of feces into his diaper. The smell washes over me as I finally realize with horror what my son has just committed publicly. He holds eye contact with the bishop for a moment longer… Then walks back over to me and grabs a ball out of my hands like nothing has happened.
You could feel the questions hang in the air around the room. What do you do after such a surreal event? Do we go on as normal? Do we talk about it? Because it was impossible to doubt it… Everyone in that room was forever changed by the events that had just taken place. You could feel an increase in camaraderie, as occurs with any event of such bizarreness and magnitude. And there was no question… My son and our bishop are now connected forever.