For those of you who don’t know, I am married to the greatest woman on the planet. I hear a lot about this “she’s not perfect, but she’s perfect for me” stuff, and yeah that’s important, but my wife is for real perfect. And yesterday… Was her birthday. Now, I must admit to you all that I was unwillingly forced to be the worst husband in the world, and was gone for a huge chunk of the day. I had two back-to-back scheduled final exams, each one taking three hours… Whoever schedules finals on a Saturday is no friend of mine…

I felt bad for being gone all day, so I’m going to make up for it by doting on her with many words of affection announced to a crowd of people. This post is all about you, baby… The best thing that has ever happened to me!

Let me tell you all how we met… It is a story of great humiliation on my end, but one that gives my wife endless mirth. We met at our university’s gym. I was there, sweating away, workin’ my back and bi’s, lookin’ sexy, when I saw this fly shawty walk in the room. Now this girl was a knockout. Ten out of ten. Just on a completely different level than me. She’s playing in the NBA, and I’m a sixth man off the bench on an over 50 rec league team. There’s no way this girl would even think about talking to me… But I promised myself I would try. Be brave, whispered my soul.

I can relate…

At this point, there were only three problems in my way… One, she had headphones in, and I didn’t want to just walk up to her and have to scream at her. Two, there was a guy who obviously had the same ideas that I had, working out at a bench next to her and stealing glances. Three, there was another guy with these same crystal clear intentions, choreographing some intense tricep curls in an apish bid for her attention. Like I said, my wife is a legitimate babe. I quickly realized that concerns one and three were the only serious ones… The first guy was of no worry to me. He was maybe 5’5”, and obviously skipped leg day.

The one guy though… He was a total hottie. I recognized him as my main competition. He had the flowing locks of hair and was taller than me. I began to question whether it was even worth it… I mean, you only see a girl like that every once in awhile, but what are my chances anyway, honestly? Let this other chump have his reward, the pump to my lats was reward enough to me!

I decided to leave it up to the gods… I would continue with my workout, and if the opportunity arose I would take it. If not… I would move on. Simple as that. And so I turned back to my last set of pull-ups.

I dropped down, out of breath and sweating out of every pore in my body. I turn around, and with a jolt from my nipples to my crotch realized that every one of my problems had magically disappeared… Her earphones were out, she wasn’t doing any lifts, and the sexy guy had disappeared. I was now presented with a much bigger problem… Did I actually have the balls to talk to this girl? A deep, instinctual part of me recognized that any delay would allow the rational part of my brain to weasel its way out of it. So I began to walk. I was still out of breath, I was literally dripping with sweat, and I was seized by an intense bout of nerves. But I continued on. My mind was blank, incapable of coming up with any sort of gameplan for when I would actually arrive next to her. There was a faint existential screaming in the echo chambers of my soul as my unconscious mind realized that I was about to talk to a girl far too pretty for me…

My brain as I walked over…

I arrived next to her on wobbly legs, my mouth hanging open like a cave troll. She looked up at me. I was rendered immobile. Those eyes! Heavens, this girl is beautiful! There was a flurry of neurochemical activity that managed to tumble my brain into motion…

“I think you’re really cute!” I say, far too loudly. My heart dropped and my face turned even more red as I realized the asinine stupidity of what I just said. She giggles, continuing to look up at me. “Uh, I don’t usually do this,” I continue, “but can I write down your phone number?” The nanoseconds trickled by, my entire world stopping as I awaited her response…

In what I can only describe as a miracle of the ages, she nods her head yes. My heart roars with triumph, my brain rushing with euphoria as I pull out my phone to get dem digis. As she tells me her phone number, she giggles once more, glancing at my hands. I look at them too. To my horror, they are shaking uncontrollably with nerves. My soul does a backflip as the enormity of what I am doing strikes me. “You dare ask out a woman so above your station?!” the fates roar at me before my judgement bar. The gavel cracks down, echoing throughout the gates of hell. “You are sentenced to eternal damnation!”

I mumbled out that I would call her as I shakily walk out of the gym, abandoning my last few exercises. I arrive at the bottom of the stairs, lay my forehead against the wall, and let out a wail. But then my heart perks up… I had won! I had her number! Huzzah!

We had our first date two days later. We fed the ducks at our university’s duck pond and talked about Civil War history and Eastern Europe. Even though she had a misguided view of who the best Civil War tactician was (still does), I began to realize that there was so much more to this girl than her pretty eyes and her.. Cough cough.. Yoga pants. We set a second date, and I could hardly wait.

Now it must be said that she had very low expectations of our date. She viewed it as a something to get over quickly. But let my progeny know… I impressed her. Cuz I’m a STUD!

Let’s fast forward to our third date… This was the first time that the two of us had a really deep moment of connection. In fact, if I’m being perfectly honest, I decided in the middle of our third date that I was going to do everything I could to marry this girl. Now, the only problem that stood in my way was convincing her of the same… But let’s talk about the internal dialogue that stormed inside my impish brain as I drove her home. The discussion prompt: should I kiss her? The problem was, she was leaving for a week for a family vacation, and I knew that I had to leave my mark. I drop her off, we have a typical good night scene, I’m about to turn around to walk away and chicken out, when I have a profound moment of total, world-conquering courage. I threw caution to the winds and I just went for it! She had about a half second to prepare. To my horror, I ended up closing my eyes too soon and kissing her nose before I was able to course correct and plant one on her amazing lips. It was a blissful moment of sweet eternity… We disconnected, and I stared into her eyes. She looked unsure, but pleased.

Then, my brain farted out of my mouth. “One more for the road?” I asked in a Homer Simpson voice, leaning in for one more. The horror of that atrocious line still keeps me awake sometimes, even though that same girl snoozes next to me… I thought that I had lost her right then and there.

A few months down the road, she had finally agreed to be my girlfriend. I was riding high, and my plans to marry this girl were well on their way. Next stop: the L word.

The first time I began to say it, she saw it coming from a mile away. She literally put her hand over my mouth. “No, no, no!” She says. I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart to put them back together again. “It’s fine,” I assure her as I fight back the hot tears of despair and anguish. I’m not gonna lie, I ugly cried into a jr bacon cheeseburger that night.

The jerk then says I love you to me the very next day! Apparently, she just had to have control of the situation. Ugh. I was a bit bewildered, but I was also walking on sunshine, so whatever.

Way later, I do the whole cheesy proposal thing up in the mountains on horseback. Because I’m a hopeless romantic. And she deserves absolutely nothing but the absolute best. She said yes!!! I still just can’t even believe it.

Then, all of a sudden, I was hitched! My goal was accomplished. I had married the girl of my dreams. I love her more today than I ever have, and I know that I will love her even more tomorrow. She has brought me more joy, companionship, love, compassion, and friendliness than any orc like me has ever deserved.

      

Now we have a son and our family is bigger. I get to see her in the role of a mother, which never ever ceases to turn my heart to gold. And, I’ve only gained a moderate amount of dad weight. Total and complete victory.

Me winning her heart was an injured Kirk Gibson hitting a bottom of the ninth walk off home run off of Dennis Eckersley in the world series. A flu-ridden Michael Jordan putting up 38 in the NBA finals. A young Luke Skywalker nailing the one in a million shot to blow up the death star… It was a miracle, a miracle that I thank my lucky stars for every single day of my life.

I love that I wake up in the middle of the night with a core temperature approaching overload, realizing that she is snuggling against me as I sleep. I love how excited she gets every time we go for a walk in the park and we plan out our future together. I love how we can still talk deep into the night about everything or nothing, connecting on such a spiritual level that my heart can hardly even stand it. I love how excited she is when I get home from work and that she still throws her arms around me when she sees me. I love seeing the light in our son’s eyes when he sees his beloved mommy.

I love you, Laura. I love that you’re in my life. I love everything about you and our life together. Happy birthday!

PS. You have a fantastic booty. Like, for real.

An Ode to My Wife the Mommy