The doorbell rings. Terror grips my heart in its icy grasp… I’ve been expecting this. A steely resolve sets in my chest as I approach the door; it has to happen sometime. I open the door, and there stands the middleman to my doom: the UPS man.

“Packages for you, sir,” he barks with a crazed grin, holding out a clipboard for me to sign. I take a deep breath, eyes brimming with tears as I sign it. The UPS man erupts in maniacal laughter as he presses a secret button on his clipboard. A flood of packages is released into the house, immediately threatening to overtake me.

At first I stand my ground, but they continue to pour out. The intensity picks up, and I begin to tire, dropping to one knee. Must… Keep… Fighting! I have so much to live for! With a rebellious roar I rise to my feet, staring fate in the eyes as I continue to fight the massive onslaught of parcels. Eventually, the packages overtake me. I am being crushed beneath their weight, my breath ragged, my eyes growing dim. I take a moment to reflect upon my existence; I’ve lived a short but fulfilled life. With the last fight in my body, I extend my hand towards the surface of the flood of packages, reaching for the sweet embrace of sunlight. As I feel my life force retreat and my mind move towards the light, I read the fateful words listed on the side of all the packages surrounding me:

Love, Grandma.

Fin.

Both my wife and I are blessed with wonderful, caring, and loving mothers. They have both made the transition to grandmother gracefully and with love. Our son is so lucky to have them! They are helpful, kind, and doting to these new and budding parents, and there is light in our son’s eyes when he sees his nana and grandma. We love them!

However, I don’t think I’m far off at all when I say that Amazon more than likely considers my mother a small company. Like, I’m pretty sure she gets corporate discounts. Grandmas just can’t seem to help it!

When our son was sub five days out of my wife’s uterus, my mother-in-law asked what we needed, and my wife responded that she would love some more receiving blankets. What the heck even are receiving blankets, exactly? What covers Jerry Rice when he sleeps at night? Anyway, my mother-in-law excitedly responds that she has the perfect cloth to make some, and she literally jumps for joy at the thought of an act of service for her brand new little grand-munchkin. She asks how many we might want– my wife responds maybe two or three. Her face falls into a confused expression.

“Oh!” she says, “I was thinking of making twenty!” This was after she bought us so much food that we were having trouble finding places to store it! I helped by eating an entire box of granola right then and there. Just doing my civic duty. Between love of a cute new grandchild, and a genuine heart of service, my mother-in-law just has no choice but to be a doting grandma! And Tommy sure does love her.

He loves his Grandma!

My own mother often talks about her own strategic purposes in what has to be a multi-marketing grandma gift-peddling scheme. If that isn’t a thing, I officially patent it, because that’s a billion dollar ponzi. My mother says that others in her grandchildrens’ lives may be more fun, or maybe more full of energy, but there was one thing that permeates everything in the child psyche: a need for stuff, stuff, and more stuff! She knows that if she teaches her grandchildren who holds the wallet and controls the credit card, then she will always be prominent in their hearts. Brilliant woman, and the ultimate nana.

Nana time rocks!

But seriously, can you think of any gig better than being a grandma? You often now have spare funds with which to spoil children rotten, you’re not directly responsible for teaching these children any life skills. You don’t even have to worry about ruining them! If they cry too much, you just hand them back over! Plus, you can always tell funny stories to your grandchildren about their parents to score some easy points.

But the love of a grandma goes well beyond that! It is a relationship built in heaven. Around these parts, we sure do love grandmas. They are welcome anytime!

This message brought to you by Grandma, Inc.

Grandma, Inc.